Elizabeth's Blog

Wow, 2 dork-filled moments in one day. That might be a record for me. Anybody following me on Twitter might have seen that it was my husband’s work party last evening… I actually had heels on, so I fully expected a wipe-out at some point in the evening.

Good news is that I made it through without falling down. But I had an interesting experience nonetheless. After the party, a large group of us decided to go to a nearby bar called The Avenue. One step inside told you this wasn’t a typical Covington, Kentucky bar (yes, we were across the river in Covington not downtown Cincy per se). It was pretty hip, I say, with it’s little conversation couches and Betty Page servers. I felt a bit inadequate in my little Christmas sweater and pearl earrings, but what the hell.. I’d had a few, so what did I care.

When it was time for me to visit the little girl’s room, I wandered toward the back and found an unmarked hallway that I instinctively followed. There, I found 2 doors, presumably the restrooms. In true pseudo-esoteric fashion, one door was marked with a triangle above it, the other with a circle… but otherwise the doors were completely blank.

I’m standing there, with my legs crossed thinking “What. Thefuck.”

So then I kind of chuckle and look around -surely this is some kind of candid camera moment; some kind of joke. Alas, Alan Funt did not jump out and save the day, so I was left to ponder this riddle on my own. I stood there for a while, contemplating the subtle symbolism of the triangle versus the circle, and questioning my own sexuality. If I was a girl, would I be a circle or a triangle? To me, the choice was not as obvious as it could have been. I mean, triangles are kind of pointy and harsh, and circles are all warm and fuzzy-like. But the triangle could also be seen as a skirt, like on a stick-person. And I guess, the circle could be construed as a piece of the male genitalia.

I puzzled and puzzed, (not unlike the Grinch) and eagerly awaited someone to exit so my mystery could be solved. No one was coming out or going in, and by this point my bladder was screaming for my attention. Forget it, I thought. I’m a triangle. As I started in that direction, I noticed a guy coming up behind me. Sweet! A guinea pig! I can let him make an ass out of himself first.

So of course, because I can’t just keep my mouth shut and smoothly pretend that I was just waiting for someone, I laughed and said “what the hell am I supposed to do?”

The dude apparently took pity on me because he laughed back and said “the triangle’s the pen1s, and the circle’s a vagina.”

“Aha!” I said, and I realized at that moment I was a complete dork. That thought really hadn’t occurred to me previously… all I could think of was “I’m soo blogging this.”

So is this where the world stands? We’re not in LA or New York, but podunk Cincinnati. And not even technically Cincinnati, but Covington, Kentucky. And because Cincinnati is usually 15 years behind everyone else, does this mean that everywhere, people are using triangles and circles instead of “men” and “women"? I know I have comments disabled but someone PLEASE enlighten me to wtf is going on.

I’ve not posted anything from my “Proof I’m a Dork” department in a while, so in the spirit of spreading good cheer, I just thought I’d share my latest.

I fall down a lot. I’m not really sure why, but I think it’s because my “graceful gene” is malformed. Regardless, the outcome is usually painful, but humorous, and normally I don’t break anything so all’s well that ends well. Today is no exception - as the kids and I left our favorite hangout, Chipotle, I was carrying our leftover bowls of rice, beans and cheese, and all of our heavy coats (since it’s now roughly 57° outside). As we walked toward our car, somehow my shoe got caught on the sidewalk and I fell face forward down towards the cement. Naturally I sacrificed the coats and leftover rice by flinging them into the air so I could brace myself, but what I found interesting is that I didn’t put my hands down immediately like I usually do. My knees went down, but instead of falling on my hands, I instinctively twisted my body and did a little flip thing, resulting in me lying on my back with my feet up in the air. At this point I’m looking up into the sky, the Chipotle rice is lightly falling down on me like a soft winter snow, and my kids are looking down at me like I’m some kind of alien freak. No harm done, just some lovely road rash on the back of my hand.. and my knee is a little skinned up since I already had a hole in my jeans from my previous encounter with the pavement (that’s another story for another time).

So the moral of my story is that I think I’ve finally “arrived.” I’ve now learned the proper way to fall down to minimize injury… truly definitive proof that I really am a dork.

A local radio station (94.9 The Sound, for local Cincinnatians) called to let me know my “Perfect 10″ selection of songs will be played on Friday at 7pm. If you’re in Cincinnati you can hear my playlist along with my lovely introduction (they make you record a little blurb.. I think I said something dorky like “Geeks Unite!” or something retarded like that.) For everyone else you can listen online at 949thesound.com. I’d actually forgotten about it since I submitted my list in August; figured I’d just missed it. Now I control the airwaves! Mwahhahha!!

Despite my best efforts, I have always struggled with the “girl” things. Things like plucking eyebrows, accesorizing an outfit, putting on makeup the correct way. Those kinds of things. This morning, as I dutifully go through my routine, my full can of $15 hairspray decides to attack me. After all I’ve done for it, this is the thanks I get.

Ok, so I dropped it. On the hardwood floor. My fault, I know. But when I drop it, the little nozzle thingy gets bent and stuck in the “permanently spraying” position. So now I’m in my bathrobe trying to fix this aerosol can and not get sprayed in the eyes. Thankfully I’m a slob, so there was my towel readily available on the floor- I grab it and try to smother the thing, but it was to no avail. It’s continuing to spray (and stink up the joint I might add). I ended up throwing the thing outside where it could spray to it’s heart’s content. I know my neighbors think I’m a complete idiot. (And it’s still spraying by the way)

My running joke with the neighbors is that now that the weather is getting nicer and people have their windows open, I have to stop yelling at my kids because everyone will be able to hear me. All kidding aside, I have been very blessed with wonderful neighbors - on all sides of the house. We really are like a big family.

Yet sometimes I wonder what the neighbors must think of me; often times I am caught in an awkward situation– with no chance of escape. Take yesterday, for example. I get to work and am putting something away in the kitchen when I reach up on the top shelf of the cabinet, knock over a family-sized ketchup bottle, which ultimately soars to the ground, splattering all over the cabinet, the cabinet contents, the floor, and me. So after a half an hour of cleaning it up, I realize I really have to go home and change into something less ketchupy. Thankfully home is roughly 7.5 minutes away so I dash home, change, and as I’m coming out of my house, my neighbor comes running over. Our dialogue was as follows: (more…)

I have so many dorky things that I do, I thought I should just make a whole category for them. That way if my geek level is ever in question I will have the indisputable proof readily available to me.

For instance, recent dorky accomplishments include:

• Scheduling my son’s first birthday party on Superbowl Sunday (sorry honey!)
• Switching from Horde to NeoMail without changing the default settings, so some of my emails were sent under “Your Name”
• Discovering I still had the Dungeons & Dragons dice from 1981 D&D marathons with my brother

…and these were in the past few days.

Now who can argue with that?